Movie Monday: Twilight (With Rifftrax!)

9 06 2009

Alright. Lemme start this nonsense off by saying two things.

1.) I am NOT a sixteen-year-old girl. So, unlike those squeeling masses, expect my opinions to be rational.

2.) I watched this movie with rifftrax to make it enjoyable.

For the ten of you who DON’T know what rifftrax are, google it. It’s a separate audio file of heckling commentary recorded by the guys who used to do Mystery Science Theatre 3000.

Now, without further ado… I unfortunately present to you…

Her face: My look of upset disdain going into the movie. His face: My boiling hatred coming to the surface in violent disbeleif as the credits rolled.

Her face: My look of upset disdain going into the movie. His face: My boiling hatred coming to the surface in violent disbeleif as the credits rolled.

Yup. Twilight. Spoilers in green. Heckling in black.

The movie starts out slow, Bella is moving from Pheonix (cause it dies and rises from the dead, LOL!!!) to Forks so she can spoon. or because it was barely a Fork in the road. It sucks. Hate the town’s name.

Anyway.  For some reason, everyone in school IMMEDIATELY wants to date Bella. From the fans I’ve talked to, it’s a mysterious gift that attracts EVERYONE to her, and makes her super delicious to “vampires.” I put that word in quotes for a reason. Read on.

So, a couple months or less into school, Bella has four (or more) guys all trying to date her, including a “werewolf,” two “vampires,” and an asian guy. All of which are impossible to me, because she’s food to the first three, and the last guy seemed much more into the football team, if you catch my drift.

And they’re all terrible stalkers. Edward constantly throws off such winning lines as “I’m VERY protective of you,” while pinning her to a rock alone in the woods two weeks into their relationship. Another great example is uprooting trees and threatening her alone in the woods. The Native American dude also confesses that he only wants to take his dad over to their house to spend more time with her and watches her creepily from the woods. Even the “normal” guy is constantly asking her questions for an ‘article.’ Yeah right. continue to decorate your shrine, Romeo.

Anyway (again). The movie is full of terribly awkward moments where no one says anything and they don’t even try to make small talk, making it feel very cliche, like a bad soap opera. Or a Mary Sue Story. Which it is. Both.

“Vampires” fight and petals keep falling off Bella and Edward’s romanticly flowery “romance.” Lots of people watch angrily from the distance. It seriously happens like a dozen times.

By the end of the movie, Edward has saved Bella (who, incidentally, continues to endanger her father, somehow, and STILL treat him like crap at every possible turn).

That being said, endure my rant for a second here.

The Vampires of Twilight aren’t even Vampires. According to the Twilight Wikipedia article, the “Author” did no research of Vampires before writing the books and based the entire terrible affair on some ridiculous dream.

Now, I’m sure you noticed at leas one set of quotes in this article. There are three. Three things that Stephanie Meyer, author of Twilight, often spews gibberish about. I plan to tell you what she gets wrong, classically, about these archetypes.

1. Vampirs (classical) followed by Meyer’s version

– (burned/destroyed by sunlight) Sparkle like glitter in the sun.

– (sleep during the day) Never sleep. EVER.

– (Feed on blood, usually human) Feed on food, then vomit. Drink any type of blood, but human is best. The type of blood they drink changes their eye color. Human blood turns their eyes dark crimson. If they drink animal blood, they turn golden and shiny.

– (enhanced strength and speed) She got this right, at least.

– (weakness to holy items, possibly ignored by alternate faiths or stronger vampires) nope. Nothing here.

– (weakness to garlic) nope.

– (Vampires have no reflection) They do. How ELSE could they do their hair?!

– (Vampires rest in coffins, usually with soil from their homeland) No need, they live in a window-laden mountainside villa with daybeds! Yay!

– (Vampires can transform into familiars, such as a bat, bat swarm, fog, poison gass, etc.) Wait… nope, that’s the not werewolves.

– (Inability to cross running water) but… but but but… they need their own cruise ship!

– (flight) kinda. They can jump stupidly high.

– (Cannot cross portals when unwelcome, ignored by stronger vampires) Nope. They can sneak in and stare at you while you sleep every Single NIGHT.

– (must count scattered pieces, such as scattered rice, rarely used) nope. Not here.

– (in rare cases, weakness to silver) none at all.

– (Killed by a stake through the heart, or sometimes dismemberment) Here,even the classic constant stake is gone. You have to rip off all limbs and burn them.

– (Mind reading, rarely) it’s there, in one case.

– (Seduction) it’s there, even if it doesn’t make any sense.

– (???) They also have random super powers, varying from individual to individual.

Meaning that a terrible car crash could kill a vampire. Which could happen, because they drive, even though they can fly and carry people easily.
Plus, without any exploitable weaknesses, even if you ASSUME they hide in fear of persicution, they have no need to live in secrecy. They aren’t some exploitable second class seeking to do evil, living in constant weakness. They could conquer the world in mere hours. So… why do they hide in this series? Cause they claim to be vampires.

2.) Werewolves – The werewolves are just as bad. Firstly, they simply, at will, may transform into a wolf. Not a wolfman, not on the full moon, but anytime. Also, no weakness to silver or wolfsbane or anything.

Plus, they’re all Native Americans. Yay racism in teen targeted books. Not to mention it’s displayed positively.

3.) Authors – Lastly, Stephanie Meyer has another serious misconception she thinks she knows everything about. She thinks she’s an Author.

Authors write books that make sense. In my opinion, if your book is a total failure and makes no sense and lacks coherence, you cannot claim to be an Author. You may call yourself a writer, Meyer, but until your book makes sense and isn’t pandering to 16-year-olds who want every perfect boy in school to drool over them, you’ll never be an author to me.

Anyway (last time, promise). The movie was just as terrible and has all the problems I’ve just stated. However, if you can overlook this, go enjoy Twilight.

If you’re in the other 90% of the population (reasonable people) then only watch this if it has the Riff Trax. Nothing better than hearing the guys say ‘Line’ every ten seconds, when dialogue should be happening, or heckling the creepy, metrosexual, rapist-esque comments pouring out of Edward’s mouth.

However, it was a friend who got the movie and the riff trax, brought it to my house, and even after having my entertainment brought to my house and played in front of me, I still felt slighted and wanted to demand my money back at the end of this movie. DO NOT WATCH THIS STUPID, FANGIRL SQUEAL OF A FILM!!!

As a Movie, GG gives Twilight a 2 / 10 for cool effects.

As a Paranormal Series, GG gives Twilight a 0 / 10. Don’t call superpowered zombies Vampires, Meyer.

With Riff Trax, Twilight Gets a 6 /10, because as funny as it was, I still wanted to vomit uncontrollably.

Oh, if you’re a fangirl and are angry, leave a comment for me to laught at. I’ll be nice to your face and will debate with you, if you are civil and don’t type in all caps.

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3 responses

9 06 2009
Lurch

… well at least it didn’t kill you. On a related note http://xkcd.com/591 and possibly 593 >.> for the lulz

11 06 2009
Haley V

As a true fangirl, I’m horrible concerned that Twilight loving tweens can now have the title of “fangirl.” I don’t want my fandom (Star Wars, comic books, G4, typically male-oriented stuff), to be associated with this ridiculousness. But I guess when things reach obsession level, the title is applicable. Sigh. I can’t believe that just because I have a vag, I have to be associated with these people.

Sorry for the rant, Tanner. This is why I’m making a fangirl site for the stuff that I’m into. I gotta represent. And disassociate.

11 06 2009
glitchygoblin

Don’t disassociate from US. It’s the Twilight people you gotta worry about. We have to worry about the fanboys of famous models and such, so don’t worry. Men are twice as bad here.

We TRUE nerds should bind together and rule Nerd Kind!!!

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