Thur- I mean Saturday Top 5: Current Cartoons That Rip Off FAR Better Cartoons

27 06 2009

I know it’s more than late. Rough week. It’s here, at least, so just enjoy it, kay?

Remember, when you were a kid and you’d wake up at 5:30 in the morning to watch cartoons on Saturday?

Well, I don’t know if kids still do it, when they can just download it and watch it at their leisure, but if they DO, these kids’ shows are a disappointment, I hope.

Why do I hope such a terrible thing? Because they stole their plots and characters from far better shows.

What shows would commit such blasphemy? I’ll tell you!

5. Chaotic < Yugioh!

Pictured: See the similarities? Its all in the marketing.

Pictured: See the similarities? It's all in the marketing.

Ah, capitalizing on a children’s card game byfirst addicting them to a catchy animated series! This simple ploy sold Poke’mon, Yugioh, Duel Masters, and now Chaotic.

Now, many will argue that Chaotic was just a simple Danish card game that was turned into an American cash cow, but the series was undoubtedly made to copy the effects of the ravenous success seen by other card-game-based-anime and anime-based-card-games.

So why specifically Yugioh? Because like Yugioh, the characters of Chaotic retain a “deep” relationship with their cards, meeting some of them face to face in their own world. Eventually, they are even swept up into their war, which still somehow ends up as a card game most of the time, even if it DOES do it less than Yu-Gi-Oh.

That being said, even though Chaotic’s battles take place in a far off world, I’d STILL rather see Yami throw down trap cards than watch Peyton make another fat joke.

4. Robotboy < Astroboy

Pictured: A robot and a boy... can you tell the difference?

Pictured: A robot and a boy... can you tell the difference?

Pick one of the following: (Robot / Little Boy). So, this show is about a (the one you chose), changed to be a (the one you DIDN’T choose) and given to a foster family who tries to teach him to become a more adequate (the one you DIDN’T choose) while avoiding some man who wants to capture him and possibly use him to destory mankind.

Yeah… it’s kind of pallete swap, in my opinion. Only real difference is while Astroboy has great robot fighting action, Robotboy has racism, like the Engrish speaking Dr. Kamikaze, who is a tiny Asian man bent on ending America. Woops.

3. Bakugan < Digimon

Pictured: Confusing, poorly working kids toys that drag you into THEIR war! Woohoo!

Pictured: Confusing, poorly working kids' toys that drag you into THEIR war! Woohoo!

Ok, here we go. This show is about a newly made kids’ toy that somehow revolves around a game that makes very little sense to the generation the toys are marketed to.

The toys let the kids fight their creatures in an anticlimactic way while spurring them to keep pouring their cash into their toys.

In the show, kids are pulled into the world of the monsters and used as master tacticians in their war on evil, and eventually, with the power of friendship, giant dragons that spawn from a two-inch plastic toy, and the brilliant tactical minds of a bunch of elementary school kids, both worlds are saved.

Any questions?

2. Dinosaur King < Poke’mon

Pictured: Nah. Too easy. Read on.

Pictured: Nah. Too easy. Read on.

Alright! So here, our main character is a boy who is teamed up with a spikey looking creature and sent to collect some stuff to be the best there ever was.

He travels with a dude who was originally better than the main character and some girl, both of which are instantly inferior to the main guy.

The monsters are miniturized for easy storage and retain both super cute and viciously feral properties, and constantly defend themselves against a trio of miscreants with random, cookey machinery.

The spikey creature turns out to be an electrical powerhouse, and then Video Games and TCG’s are forced down the throats of American kids.

Oh, both main characters are voiced by the same woman, both the evil girls are voiced by the same girl, who has also played Misty, btw.

1. Johnny Test < Dexter’s Laboratory

Pictured: My rage, incarnate.

Pictured: My rage, incarnate.

Well, goblinites, here we are. Number One. If you’re a drinking man, I’d ready my glass, if I were you.

Pick one: (blonde-haired idiot / red-haired genius)

This show is about a boy who is a short (the one you chose). He is constantly forced to deal with his sibling(s) who can only be described as tall (the one you DIDN’T choose).

The (genius is / geniuses are) constantly working in a laboratory and making inventions that outrank all mainstream science that the dim-witted sibling and talking animal companion (koosalagoopagoop or Dukey) use to get into trouble.

If a character is a genius, they are constantly wearing a white lab coat, black boots, and thick, black-rimmed glasses and have blue (eyes/lenses) to go with the red hair. After the idiot gets into trouble, it’s up to the Laboratory’s genius(es) to fix the problem and save the day.

In addition, the kids also have a blonde-haired father and a short haired mother who are blind to the destruction caused by the lab’s experiments. Also, one of their parents is a clean freak, and the other is usually at work or fighting to relax and spends their dialogue praising the cleaning and cooking of their partner in marriage.

The boy also has a rival, who has better funding but is annoying and socially awkward, despite his infatuation with the main character’s sister.

In the end, despite being a little off-kilter, the main character manages to pull through, at least partially, and usually learns a valuable lesson. Also, no matter what happens, the genius(es) know the lab will soon be invaded once more by the blonde-haired menace sibling, and nothing can stop that.

Well, I’m off to find a spike pit to fall in. See you all later. -GG

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Thursday Top 5: Top 5 Most Delicious Poke’mon!

18 06 2009

I’m hungry, goblinites. It’s late and I’m hungry. You know what that means, this Thursday’s Top 5 will be about food, delicious food! Bot not just any food, why, that would be BORING! Today, I bring, to your wandering eyes…

Top 5 Most Delicious Poke’mon!

I know what you’re thinking: delicious. I agree. …what? You, in the back? You think eating poke’mon is weird for their world…?

Let me get this straight. In a world where every ten year old is set loose to wander the country and never come home, traveling with wild animals and no other form of self defense, and 18 year old boys sleep ten feet away from 10 year old girls they met yesterday, you think the normal consumption of animal meat is WEIRD?! Get out. Leave, right now. Don’t let me see your IP again, you idiot.

And if you’re all ‘Well, I’m a vegetarian’ half of them are talking plants. Where is your logic now, sir?

Now that those morons have left, let’s move on to the deliciousness.

Runner Up Meals – Cherubi and Spoink

Pictured: The cutest fruit I think Ive ever seen.

Pictured: The cutest fruit I think I've ever seen.

Ahh, Cherubi. The monster is a delicious little hopping cherry, full of blood/juice (I don’t care either way) that’s gotta be sweet as sugar.

On the downside, when it evolves, it’s a flower, so you gotta eat it quick.

Plus, as an added (creepy) bonus, when you eat the first one, the other one feels it and begins to scream and cry as you chew. I dunno. It could be cool, if you’re into that sort of thing.

Pictured: Super lean mind-powers-having bacon.

Pictured: Super lean mind-powers-having bacon.

Spoink may look delicious, but he’s a psychic. So watch out.

If you want to eat one, sneak up on it and swat that jewel off its head. Without it, it loses its powers. After that, you just catch it! If it doesn’t bounce, its heart doesn’t beat, so after a minute, you have a tiny meat sack, ripe for the skillet.

Plus, if it bounces every minute of its life, you know that tail is a lean cut of meat. Albeit gray and unappetizing.

5. Farfetch’d

Pictured: A fowl who carries its own flavorings!

Pictured: A fowl who carries its own flavorings!

Farfetch’d looks tasty, doesn’t he? It’s simple. Blast the sucker, then use that leek as a seasoning. You can easily make Farfetch’d soup or grilled Farfetch’d. Maybe even some light stuffing.

No recipe is that far fetched for Farfetch’d.

4. Ditto

Pictured: Pudding or Pot Pie? You decide! ...no, really, you DO decide.

Pictured: Pudding or Pot Pie? You decide! ...no, really, you DO decide.

Everyone says ditto is the hear-all end-all for poke’mon eatery, but I can’t agree. ‘Why not, GG? It can turn into anything! It’s like that gum from Willy Wonka!’

It’s true. You trick Ditto into turning into a snosberry pie, and just start eating, preferably after you put it out of its misery. However, when ditto transforms, its face still looks like ditto… likewise, I believe it would still TASTE like ditto. Yeah, you’ve got your Tilapia, but it still tastes like plain yogurt.

How much would THAT suck? You see hot wings, you smell hot wings, you feel hot wings, but you taste cardboard. I’d want to jump off a cliff.

3. Slowking

Pictured: Random evolution or recipe genius?

Pictured: Random evolution or recipe genius?

The poke’mon media doesn’t talk too much about eating actual poke’mon. However, one of the most documented cases is grilled slowpoke tails. They’re supposed to be a delicacy! This guy has one, and all that other tasty slowpoke meat, plus a bonus!

Rip that thing off its head, crack that shellfish open and grill it too. Use that neck frill (assuming it isn’t just more delicious meat) as a serving dish or fashion accessory. Sweet. That gem too. Good money in these eats.

2. Bulbasaur

Pictured: A four-legged balanced meal.

Pictured: A four-legged balanced meal.

Ah, the first poke’mon in out poke’dex. Bulbasaur has been a favorite of trainers since the very first games, Red and Blue (Green too, in Japan).

Now consider its taste! Kill the thing, pull out some razor leaves, use those to cut open the bulb to make the salad, along with the vines for variation in the salad. Even sprinkle the salad with some seeds in lieu of bacon bits of other toppings.

Cut the torso, head, and legs into vegetarian friendly cuts of meat, and use seeds for seasoning. A tasty meal, for Vegan and Carnivore alike.

1. Delibird

Pictured: A perfect holiday meal for the whole family.

Pictured: A perfect holiday meal for the whole family.

My FAVORITE, Delibird! Yum, Yum!

This guy has EVERYTHING you need for a great dinner. His tail-sack thing? Inside are bombs and ice. Use the bombs to build your fire, and melt the ice for chilled water.

Use the fire to cook Delibird himself, and you’ve got wonderful white meat. Tasty as can be, right? We’re not done yet.

Delibird only learns one attack naturally: Present. The attack can either throw a random bomb or… wait for it… cake.

The bird has CAKE IN ITS TAIL!

Dinner done? Rip open that tail and WHAM. Dessert.

Post which Pocket Monster YOU want to eat and how you’d cook it in the comments!

Bon appetite, Goblinites. I hope you enjoyed this (wo)buffet. -GG





Thursday Top 5: Zombie Board Games

11 06 2009

I love me some zombies. I love me some Board Games. I love me some Ice Cream. I love me some fire. So, while I can’t have it all at once, it’s good to know that there are THESE fine games to combine the first two (or maybe three).

5. Send More Brains

Pictured: The only real art on the site. Play it anyway.

Pictured: The only real art on the site. Play it anyway.

On the down side of our first item, much like that creepy coworker you avoid in the halls, it’s not all there. It’s still missing some very basic things, and you even have to print it all off yourself.

However, the bright side of this is that it is FREE, and sports some really smart, really interesting rules. Check it out! You’ll be happy (or maybe frustrated) that you did!

4. All Things Zombie

Pictured: One cool box that sells better to teenage boys... for TWO reasons. Huh.

Pictured: One cool box that sells better to teenage boys... for TWO reasons. Huh.

Ok, so remember that guy from work? Assuming he or she is your opposite sex (or you just swing that way) have you ever considered dating them?

Well, even if you haven’t, the metaphor remains intact. Like them, they turn out a little boring and overpriced. This game, like Left 4 Dead, only has four official maps, and without figures, it gets a little dull, all being tokens and whatnot. Plus, still costs $50.

Not like that guy, however, its rules are so complicated you’d swear you’re playing Earthdawn now and again. However, once they’re learned, it’s really fun! Plus, the maps look really nice.

3. Zombie Town

Pictured: Just as nerdy as any board game, but it segways into good movies, so you can recover some of that lost pride if your crush walks in and looks all shocked.

Pictured: Just as nerdy as any board game, but it segues into good movies, so you can recover some of that lost pride if your crush walks in and looks all shocked.

Zombie Town is really impressive. It allows for powerful team work and is closer to the heart of zombie movies. You work to survive, barricading yourself in and hoarding supplies.

Downside? Well, in the end, it’s all about who has the most stuff at the end. No dramatic ending here, just people cowering in the corner. Yknow, like the REAL zombie Armageddon. So, in the end, the game just sort of fizzles out.
On the plus side, the expansion, Road Rage, allows you to use cars to run down the brain munchers, so that’s nice. Just expect about a $50 price.

2. Zombies!!!

Pictured: A game that is literally never the same twice unintentionally.

Pictured: A game that is literally never the same twice unintentionally.

Zombies is a huge blast if you’ve got a group of friends, but it has its up and downs.

Firstly, the board is made of cards, so you shuffle the deck and the board expands as the game goes on. This is cool and bad. You can’t really use strategy to move forward, because you dunno where anything is. On the plus, you can just pretend the characters all hate each other and all wandered to the Jesus statue safe zone at the same time.

Also, due to the nature of the game, the game ends in a huge hate-filled flurry with everyone rushing for the helicopter. I guess it’s realistic, in a way, but it lacks defensive strategy and teamwork.

It does have TEN EXPANSIONS, from clowns to prison, from college to a make-your-own-expansion expansion. This means that with creativity, you can make a ton of new and different games. One side expansion is even called Humans!!! and allows players to divide into two teams, zombies and survivors, and fight one another. There’s also a Martians!!! game of the same design, different genre. If you worked hard, you might combine them.

The core set cost me $30, and each expansion costs around $15. Plus extra for additional games, like Medieval. Plus, there’s dog zombies, glow in the dark, chick zombies… awesome.

Play it, cause it’s a blast! Just be sure your friends don’t get all fussy and gripe over the outcome. It HAS happened… several times.

1. Last Night on Earth

Pictured: The next board game I plan to purchase and lick. I wonder how it tastes...?

Pictured: The next board game I plan to purchase and lick. I wonder how it tastes...?

Ah, finally… remember that guy? imagine now that creepy coworker actually turning out to be a nice girl / guy with a much deeper personality than you realized. Now you feel like a jerk, don’t you?

Ok, metaphor has gone too far, cause this game just makes you feel warm and fuzzy, like a kitten made of cookies. Mmmm chocolate chip fur…

Anywho, the game combines the modular board of Zombies!!! with the personalized characters and deep team-based play I had wanted before. Teams split into heroes and zombies, and the fight is on! It has a ton of expansions, one of which is a CD to set the ‘Horror Movie Mood.’

All of the art is actual pictures, meaning you get some more of that old school zombie movie goodness with every piece of art you encounter. Mix and match, you’ll see a ton of new and interesting outcomes.

Also, the price isn’t rediculous. Buy it and love it. I will.