Thur- I mean Saturday Top 5: Current Cartoons That Rip Off FAR Better Cartoons

27 06 2009

I know it’s more than late. Rough week. It’s here, at least, so just enjoy it, kay?

Remember, when you were a kid and you’d wake up at 5:30 in the morning to watch cartoons on Saturday?

Well, I don’t know if kids still do it, when they can just download it and watch it at their leisure, but if they DO, these kids’ shows are a disappointment, I hope.

Why do I hope such a terrible thing? Because they stole their plots and characters from far better shows.

What shows would commit such blasphemy? I’ll tell you!

5. Chaotic < Yugioh!

Pictured: See the similarities? Its all in the marketing.

Pictured: See the similarities? It's all in the marketing.

Ah, capitalizing on a children’s card game byfirst addicting them to a catchy animated series! This simple ploy sold Poke’mon, Yugioh, Duel Masters, and now Chaotic.

Now, many will argue that Chaotic was just a simple Danish card game that was turned into an American cash cow, but the series was undoubtedly made to copy the effects of the ravenous success seen by other card-game-based-anime and anime-based-card-games.

So why specifically Yugioh? Because like Yugioh, the characters of Chaotic retain a “deep” relationship with their cards, meeting some of them face to face in their own world. Eventually, they are even swept up into their war, which still somehow ends up as a card game most of the time, even if it DOES do it less than Yu-Gi-Oh.

That being said, even though Chaotic’s battles take place in a far off world, I’d STILL rather see Yami throw down trap cards than watch Peyton make another fat joke.

4. Robotboy < Astroboy

Pictured: A robot and a boy... can you tell the difference?

Pictured: A robot and a boy... can you tell the difference?

Pick one of the following: (Robot / Little Boy). So, this show is about a (the one you chose), changed to be a (the one you DIDN’T choose) and given to a foster family who tries to teach him to become a more adequate (the one you DIDN’T choose) while avoiding some man who wants to capture him and possibly use him to destory mankind.

Yeah… it’s kind of pallete swap, in my opinion. Only real difference is while Astroboy has great robot fighting action, Robotboy has racism, like the Engrish speaking Dr. Kamikaze, who is a tiny Asian man bent on ending America. Woops.

3. Bakugan < Digimon

Pictured: Confusing, poorly working kids toys that drag you into THEIR war! Woohoo!

Pictured: Confusing, poorly working kids' toys that drag you into THEIR war! Woohoo!

Ok, here we go. This show is about a newly made kids’ toy that somehow revolves around a game that makes very little sense to the generation the toys are marketed to.

The toys let the kids fight their creatures in an anticlimactic way while spurring them to keep pouring their cash into their toys.

In the show, kids are pulled into the world of the monsters and used as master tacticians in their war on evil, and eventually, with the power of friendship, giant dragons that spawn from a two-inch plastic toy, and the brilliant tactical minds of a bunch of elementary school kids, both worlds are saved.

Any questions?

2. Dinosaur King < Poke’mon

Pictured: Nah. Too easy. Read on.

Pictured: Nah. Too easy. Read on.

Alright! So here, our main character is a boy who is teamed up with a spikey looking creature and sent to collect some stuff to be the best there ever was.

He travels with a dude who was originally better than the main character and some girl, both of which are instantly inferior to the main guy.

The monsters are miniturized for easy storage and retain both super cute and viciously feral properties, and constantly defend themselves against a trio of miscreants with random, cookey machinery.

The spikey creature turns out to be an electrical powerhouse, and then Video Games and TCG’s are forced down the throats of American kids.

Oh, both main characters are voiced by the same woman, both the evil girls are voiced by the same girl, who has also played Misty, btw.

1. Johnny Test < Dexter’s Laboratory

Pictured: My rage, incarnate.

Pictured: My rage, incarnate.

Well, goblinites, here we are. Number One. If you’re a drinking man, I’d ready my glass, if I were you.

Pick one: (blonde-haired idiot / red-haired genius)

This show is about a boy who is a short (the one you chose). He is constantly forced to deal with his sibling(s) who can only be described as tall (the one you DIDN’T choose).

The (genius is / geniuses are) constantly working in a laboratory and making inventions that outrank all mainstream science that the dim-witted sibling and talking animal companion (koosalagoopagoop or Dukey) use to get into trouble.

If a character is a genius, they are constantly wearing a white lab coat, black boots, and thick, black-rimmed glasses and have blue (eyes/lenses) to go with the red hair. After the idiot gets into trouble, it’s up to the Laboratory’s genius(es) to fix the problem and save the day.

In addition, the kids also have a blonde-haired father and a short haired mother who are blind to the destruction caused by the lab’s experiments. Also, one of their parents is a clean freak, and the other is usually at work or fighting to relax and spends their dialogue praising the cleaning and cooking of their partner in marriage.

The boy also has a rival, who has better funding but is annoying and socially awkward, despite his infatuation with the main character’s sister.

In the end, despite being a little off-kilter, the main character manages to pull through, at least partially, and usually learns a valuable lesson. Also, no matter what happens, the genius(es) know the lab will soon be invaded once more by the blonde-haired menace sibling, and nothing can stop that.

Well, I’m off to find a spike pit to fall in. See you all later. -GG


Pic of the (Yester)day: Poke’mon Newbie Pack!

25 06 2009

Hey guys, 4 am. Ug.

been trying to type up tomorrow’s top five, only to realize I forgot the Pic of the Day!

It’s tomorrow, I know… but still!

Pictured: Adventure in a spherical package.

Pictured: Adventure in a spherical package.

If you just thought ‘I wonder what monster/item is inside,’ congrats. You’re a nerd. post it in the comments. ^^ It’s the law.

Pictured: In a few levels, hell be useless. A few more levels, unforgetable. Then, five more, useless again.

Pictured: In a few levels, he'll be useless. A few more levels, unforgetable. Then, five more, useless again.

Well, trainers, there ya go. See ya when I wake up. -GG

Thursday Top 5: Top 5 Most Delicious Poke’mon!

18 06 2009

I’m hungry, goblinites. It’s late and I’m hungry. You know what that means, this Thursday’s Top 5 will be about food, delicious food! Bot not just any food, why, that would be BORING! Today, I bring, to your wandering eyes…

Top 5 Most Delicious Poke’mon!

I know what you’re thinking: delicious. I agree. …what? You, in the back? You think eating poke’mon is weird for their world…?

Let me get this straight. In a world where every ten year old is set loose to wander the country and never come home, traveling with wild animals and no other form of self defense, and 18 year old boys sleep ten feet away from 10 year old girls they met yesterday, you think the normal consumption of animal meat is WEIRD?! Get out. Leave, right now. Don’t let me see your IP again, you idiot.

And if you’re all ‘Well, I’m a vegetarian’ half of them are talking plants. Where is your logic now, sir?

Now that those morons have left, let’s move on to the deliciousness.

Runner Up Meals – Cherubi and Spoink

Pictured: The cutest fruit I think Ive ever seen.

Pictured: The cutest fruit I think I've ever seen.

Ahh, Cherubi. The monster is a delicious little hopping cherry, full of blood/juice (I don’t care either way) that’s gotta be sweet as sugar.

On the downside, when it evolves, it’s a flower, so you gotta eat it quick.

Plus, as an added (creepy) bonus, when you eat the first one, the other one feels it and begins to scream and cry as you chew. I dunno. It could be cool, if you’re into that sort of thing.

Pictured: Super lean mind-powers-having bacon.

Pictured: Super lean mind-powers-having bacon.

Spoink may look delicious, but he’s a psychic. So watch out.

If you want to eat one, sneak up on it and swat that jewel off its head. Without it, it loses its powers. After that, you just catch it! If it doesn’t bounce, its heart doesn’t beat, so after a minute, you have a tiny meat sack, ripe for the skillet.

Plus, if it bounces every minute of its life, you know that tail is a lean cut of meat. Albeit gray and unappetizing.

5. Farfetch’d

Pictured: A fowl who carries its own flavorings!

Pictured: A fowl who carries its own flavorings!

Farfetch’d looks tasty, doesn’t he? It’s simple. Blast the sucker, then use that leek as a seasoning. You can easily make Farfetch’d soup or grilled Farfetch’d. Maybe even some light stuffing.

No recipe is that far fetched for Farfetch’d.

4. Ditto

Pictured: Pudding or Pot Pie? You decide!, really, you DO decide.

Pictured: Pudding or Pot Pie? You decide!, really, you DO decide.

Everyone says ditto is the hear-all end-all for poke’mon eatery, but I can’t agree. ‘Why not, GG? It can turn into anything! It’s like that gum from Willy Wonka!’

It’s true. You trick Ditto into turning into a snosberry pie, and just start eating, preferably after you put it out of its misery. However, when ditto transforms, its face still looks like ditto… likewise, I believe it would still TASTE like ditto. Yeah, you’ve got your Tilapia, but it still tastes like plain yogurt.

How much would THAT suck? You see hot wings, you smell hot wings, you feel hot wings, but you taste cardboard. I’d want to jump off a cliff.

3. Slowking

Pictured: Random evolution or recipe genius?

Pictured: Random evolution or recipe genius?

The poke’mon media doesn’t talk too much about eating actual poke’mon. However, one of the most documented cases is grilled slowpoke tails. They’re supposed to be a delicacy! This guy has one, and all that other tasty slowpoke meat, plus a bonus!

Rip that thing off its head, crack that shellfish open and grill it too. Use that neck frill (assuming it isn’t just more delicious meat) as a serving dish or fashion accessory. Sweet. That gem too. Good money in these eats.

2. Bulbasaur

Pictured: A four-legged balanced meal.

Pictured: A four-legged balanced meal.

Ah, the first poke’mon in out poke’dex. Bulbasaur has been a favorite of trainers since the very first games, Red and Blue (Green too, in Japan).

Now consider its taste! Kill the thing, pull out some razor leaves, use those to cut open the bulb to make the salad, along with the vines for variation in the salad. Even sprinkle the salad with some seeds in lieu of bacon bits of other toppings.

Cut the torso, head, and legs into vegetarian friendly cuts of meat, and use seeds for seasoning. A tasty meal, for Vegan and Carnivore alike.

1. Delibird

Pictured: A perfect holiday meal for the whole family.

Pictured: A perfect holiday meal for the whole family.

My FAVORITE, Delibird! Yum, Yum!

This guy has EVERYTHING you need for a great dinner. His tail-sack thing? Inside are bombs and ice. Use the bombs to build your fire, and melt the ice for chilled water.

Use the fire to cook Delibird himself, and you’ve got wonderful white meat. Tasty as can be, right? We’re not done yet.

Delibird only learns one attack naturally: Present. The attack can either throw a random bomb or… wait for it… cake.

The bird has CAKE IN ITS TAIL!

Dinner done? Rip open that tail and WHAM. Dessert.

Post which Pocket Monster YOU want to eat and how you’d cook it in the comments!

Bon appetite, Goblinites. I hope you enjoyed this (wo)buffet. -GG

Pic of the Day! Twilight Edition!

9 06 2009

So, I reviewed Twilight today, just scroll down if you don’t beleive me. No seriously, read it… please? it makes me feel all important and such. Any how, Today’s pics are in “honor” (or horror) of Twilight.

Pictured: An actual (half) vampire, with vampiric weaknesses, who fights real vampires, with real vampiric strengths and weaknesses.

Pictured: An actual (half) vampire, with vampiric weaknesses, who fights real vampires, with real vampiric strengths and weaknesses.

Yeah, I went there. Eat some poop, Meyer. Next?

Pictured: Much closer to Meyers vampire. He just needs to be pretty and bam. Twilight Vampire. Oh, except, unfortunately, not even a Thunder Stone can make Edward interesting.

Pictured: Much closer to Meyer's vampire. He just needs to be pretty and bam. Twilight "Vampire." Oh, except, not even a Thunder Stone can make Edward interesting.

As always, right click to view the full sized image. Also, if you send me an image and I use it, you get the credit! Get on it, lazy hacks.